I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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