if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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