You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
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