I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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