I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
