i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
