Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
