You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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