it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
