For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
