I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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