Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
