So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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