My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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