Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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