I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
