shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
