On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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