So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
