The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
No...this little piggys going to the bar
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm just crazy horny about you
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize