Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
