oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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