Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize