apparently the secret to your success is patron
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
