The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
