Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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