gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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