he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
