This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
