you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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