I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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