someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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