I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
