Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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