What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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