is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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