I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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