im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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