Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize