just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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