How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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