all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
