One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
