She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
