If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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