ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
