Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
