On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
