Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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