The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
