dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
everyone is single if you try hard enough
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
