we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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