Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
