Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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